


Heart

by Layni1771



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Friendship, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Multi, Romance, a lot of feelings, felix loves his pen, he also falls in love with seo changbin, i literally don't know what to tag this one, i tag that way too often, includes eliminations, my summary sounds dumb but i swear it actually means something, oh right, so yeah they're still idols, spans from felix moving to korea to just before debut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-27 00:31:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14413791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Layni1771/pseuds/Layni1771
Summary: There were rumors, legends of a boy who could not live without a red pen.But Felix just really loves the way the red pen's ink sparkles so beautifully as he writes his heart down.





	Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I'm s w e a t i n g this was supposed to go up before Lyrics but I totally skipped past it because it already had a title (I have all of my Stray Kids works in a draft on another site and typically I only name them once I get ready to post them here), whoops.
> 
> Basically I had this pen I really loved but it ran out of ink (And there's no way to get another one) and so I projected that onto Felix a bit and made it into a love story as well?? This one is kinda weird, reminds me a bit of my Woojin oneshot Water but less stylistic and has a more defined plot. Also I still don't beta my fics, sorry for any mistakes!
> 
> Hope you enjoy!  
> Note: Russian translation in progress.

part i.

Felix was ten years old when he received the fuzzy white Snoopy journal and matching sparkly red pen. The day had been his tenth birthday, and it had been his favorite gift he unwrapped. Immediately, he was taken with the way the red pen slid and glided over the paper, leaving behind a magical, beautiful trail of sparkle-filled red ink. It was a brighter red, and the sparkles were nearing the pink side, but it was something he was so very fond of. For the first few days, he refused to write with anything but that pen, and it _had_ to be in that Snoopy journal. Felix loved the way the Snoopy prints on the pen matched the front. It was a child's silly obsession, really, but after about two weeks, Felix had put the notebook and pen on his shelf.

It was forgotten about and collected dust.

The notebook was seen again years later as Felix finished packing his room to move to South Korea. He had been accepted as a trainee in a _huge_ entertainment company, and he had never been more excited or scared about anything in his life. The teenager had to pick and choose what to leave behind and what to bring, and as he took a final look around the room, a fuzzy white journal with a pen strapped to its side caught his eye. A rush of memories poured over him and a wide, bright smile tugged at his lips. Felix hurried over to the shelf, fingers brushing the spine before deftly sliding it out of its spot. The smile took on a more sentimental feeling as it became smaller, his gaze a bit wet.

Felix remembered when he tore open the balloon-patterned wrapping paper, ripping the tape that held the box shut in excitement. He could clearly recall hugging the journal to his chest, writing in that beautiful, flowing sparkly red ink for days.

"Felix!" His mother called from the doorway, "We have to go! Are you done in your room?"

With a decisive, pleased sigh, he unzipped his carry-on and pushed the journal with its attached pen into the bag and jogged down the stairs, yelling, "Coming, Mom!"

The family parting had been tearful, his sisters attempting to crack jokes at his "lame career choice" and "ugly face" while his mother tried not to sob on his shoulder right then and there. Felix firmly gave his father a hug, whispering for him to take care of his mother and sisters. After waving goodbye and settling into his seat on the plane, he felt a nostalgic tug in his chest and pulled out the white journal. He read over the messily scrawled passages, filled with completely different dreams than the ones he was chasing on that day. There were complaints about friends, casually discussing what his mom had cooked for dinner, his crush on his male teacher, so on and so forth.

It was innocent and strange and a total throwback, and Felix laughed at his short final entry.

_' nah mate school sucks. I should drop out right?? Uhgh Ill tell my mom now!! '_

That was the end of it, a short three sentences with no context and little sense. A warm feeling wrapped around his heart and Felix turned to the next page, sliding the pen out of its fabric fastener. He listened to the satisfying _click_ as he removed the thin plastic cap, placing it between his teeth. He tapped his fingers on the empty page, considering for a few moments just what it was he wanted to write. Half of the journal had been doodles and random notes, rather than actual entries. Felix spotted the Korean learning book that he had laying under it and nodded to himself. He made the first line and gasped- The teen had rather forgotten how beautiful the bright red sparkled ink looked, and he smiled as he continued to write.

He spent the plane ride practicing his Hangul over and over. The ink slowly drained from pen to paper.

 

part ii.

Felix was never seen without the journal and pen. It was with him everywhere- In the trainee dorms, at the practice rooms, in his hands at shops on resting on the table at restaurants. It had become something of a legend among the JYP trainees that the two could not be parted without certain death. When Jeongin had informed him of the over-exaggerated rumor, they had laughed together over their bowls of ramen.

"Really? They really think I'll die if I don't have this with me?" He wiped a stray tear off his freckled cheeks, another semi-hysterical giggle jolting his body. Jeongin grinned, showing his braces cutely as he nodded.

"Really! I tried to tell them all it wasn't true, but especially among the grade-school trainees," The younger slurped up the last of his ramen noodles, wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand. He pointed loosely at the fuzzy white book, "Do you mind, hyung?"

"Not at all~" Felix sing-songed, not at all matching with his deep tone of voice. _Ah, really now, it's just a journal and pen~_ He thought, covering his amused smile with his hand as Jeongin flipped through the pages. Since that day on the plane to South Korea, Felix had filled it with Korean practice, doodles, random lyrics in both Korean and English that he thought of, notes to himself, important dates he had to remember, milestones, diary-like entries, anything that came to mind. He was even pretty sure there was a poem or two in there. Sure, it was a little embarrassing to have Jeongin looking through it, but he trusted the boy as a close friend, though he was sure that the kid was looking for new material to tease him with.

"Wow, I really like this ink! You can't tell by looking at this pen, but the ink is so sparkly? It's almost metallic in a way, but you can actually see the really fine glitter!" The vocalist gasped, sliding the book back to him. Felix felt pride flush through him- He really was proud to own the pen, even if there was no reason to be, "And it has such cute character prints on it. No wonder you never leave it."

"It was a birthday present when I was ten. I used it nonstop for a few weeks but then didn't pick it up again until I moved from Sydney," His voice took on a slightly thick quality as he spoke in his broken Korean at the mention of his hometown, which Jeongin tactfully ignored. Knowing he was making the atmosphere a little too heavy, he brightened up and uncapped the pen, "Want to see me draw with it?"

His fellow trainee nodded and cheerily Felix found the next open space in the journal and sketched a quick dinosaur eating a steak, at Jeongin's humorous and way-too-cute request. He sighed happily, gratified at the sight of the unique, drying red ink.

Yes, Felix loved that pen.

Due to the funny rumors, not many younger trainees asked to look at his journal. For the ones his age or older, it was more out of a respect thing- They assumed it was because it was an item he had brought from home, and was highly personal and meaningful to Felix. The truth was, he couldn't care less about the fluffy white Snoopy notebook itself. It was the writing utensil it came with that made him so attached to it- They had come as a set, after all. _It would be fine to lose that, but if I lost the pen, I think I'd be a little heart-broken?_ He had confessed to Jisung late one night as they returned to the dorms.

"I feel like that with one of my beanies, if it makes you feel better! I don't think it's weird at all," The rapper had been quick to comfort. It had somehow become a point of self-consciousness for the Australian, once he realized how big of a point of discussion it was. Since then, he had the feeling of wearing a second skin that had died- White, dry, trapping him inside of himself. Felix hated it, and it made him a little ill. Felix had chosen not to reply and went to bed as soon as they returned to the dorms.

 

part iii.

Felix met Changbin shortly after becoming a trainee. The older boy helped him significantly with learning how to pronounce Korean correctly, especially when rapping. He taught him how to properly carry his flow and make his own style. Felix had been immediately taken with the older boy's shy, charming smile and his dark eyes. The teenager felt like he could find himself lost in that darkness forever, and he was drawn to it. In that boy's presence, he always felt his heart flutter lightly. It was nothing more than a puppy crush at best, but Felix  _liked_  that feeling.

He liked looking into Changbin's eyes and feeling his heart jump into his throat. He liked hearing his raspy rapping voice that sent shivers down his spine. He liked basking in his presence and having all of the older's attention on him as he taught him, step-by-step, line by line. It was pleasant and tingly, even if Felix would never act on such feelings. It was enough to just be happy by being near him.

When Chan asked him to join his self-made group, Felix agreed immediately- His joy only doubled when he realized that the team included Changbin as well. Instead of just being his "hyung" or his "acquaintance," or even "rap teacher," he had become Felix's "teammate," "groupmate," his "friend." And beyond even Changbin, he was given the chance to befriend all sorts of other people. He already knew Chan, Jisung, and Jeongin from the dorms, and had lightly trained with Hyunjin and Minho, but he had never encountered Seungmin and Woojin before. Sure, he had heard their names floating around the training rooms ( _"Have you_ heard _them sing before?" "I heard Woojin used to train at SM!"_ ) and from Jeongin ( _"Seungminnie hyung and Woojinnie hyung are some of the best vocal trainees JYP has! I feel so embarrassed when I work with them~"_ ), but never before had they been introduced.

Immediately after Chan had decided the lineup of nine was solid, Hyunjin, Jisung, Seungmin, and Felix had created their solid "2000 line." Seungmin and Hyunjin never seemed to comment on the bright red pen that Felix had on him at all times. The one time Minho had gone to ask near the beginning of their formation, Jisung had given him a sort of look and a wave of understanding had washed over his expression (Of what, Felix wasn't sure) before he quickly switched topics.

It wasn't that Felix didn't want to talk about his pen- He loved it. He could rave about it for hours on end. It was just a little uncomfortable to have so many people interested in it.

One day, Changbin finally broached the topic after a particularly harsh dance practice. While the other eight members were laying around in exhaustion or sipping water carefully, Felix had pressed his back against one of the fogged up mirrors, pulled out his fuzzy white journal and sparkly red pen, and began to jot down exactly how he could improve his dance the next time. The rapper had peered over curiously, and his teeth caught his lips as he hesitated to speak, though it passed by Felix entirely. He was too wrapped up with writing in that beautiful, _smooth and stunning_ ink.

"What's the deal with that notebook?" He asked, easily drawing everyone's attention. Felix looked up in surprise, his eyes widened slightly as he placed the pen between the pages and slowly close the journal, laying it on his legs.

"Oh, it just...It was a gift," The Australian replied softly, his low voice still heard easily in the room, "It's not the notebook so much as the pen, actually. It feels almost like it's a piece of me?"

He laughed at himself, shaking his head.

"I don't really know, I just like it a lot."

And that was the end of the conversation. Once everyone had heard Felix's piece, they went back to their previously-scheduled dying-after-practice routine. Felix opened his journal back up, rough fingertips lightly tracing the soft edges with his left hand as his right scrawled down his messy Hangul, and whatever he could not express with his limited Korean, English. Changbin's eyes would wander occasionally, always ending up back to the boy with freckles like the stars in the sky. He caught Jisung's amused smile and looked back down at his hands, mumbling to himself.

Still, he could not keep himself from sneaking another peak before Chan started up practice yet again.

 

part iv.

"Really? They're having us move in together for the show?" Felix asked excitedly, his normally-deep voice higher from the apparently-amazing prospect. Chan nodded, patting the younger's head as he walked past him to the kitchen. He hopped up and down as he clapped, following the leader, "Hyung! That's amazing! We can finally all stay together!"

"Ah, yes, nine of us being shoved into this dorm, sounds great!" Jeongin shouted sarcastically from the living room. Felix rolled his eyes, choosing to tug on Chan's sleeve instead of replying.

"When are the others going to move in?"

"Sometime during our next filming," He replied, smiling at his fellow Australian. Felix seemed to genuinely enthused at the prospect of living with all the members- While many would believe that as the maknae, Jeongin was the favorite member, that title would be given to Felix any day. There was not one person who did not love his smile, his broken and accented Korean, his cheerful attitude and the way he put his all into every task he did. He was totally touchy-feely, always there for the members, and there wasn't anything to dislike about him. He truly was the heart of the team, whether he realized it or not. The boy gave Chan a strange look for falling silent and slowly began to back out of the kitchen, never turning his back, "Hey! Don't run away, help me out with dinner!"

Felix squealed at being caught, turning around and bolting. The leader followed after him, narrowly missing Jisung who had just walked out of his bedroom. The dancer had somehow already shoved himself behind Jeongin who continued to eat his snack as though nothing was happening. Felix giggled as Chan advanced, curling himself into a smaller ball.

"What are they doing?" Jisung asked as he hung forward, gripping the doorway.

"I think Felix hyung ran away instead of helping with dinner," Jeongin shrugged, stepping to the side just as Chan lunged forward. He caught Felix in his arms and the two began to wrestle playfully on the ground. The younger had laughter torn from his throat as the leader's fingers found his sides, tickling him as he writhed. It was so comfortable, so much  _fun_ , and knowing that soon the others would be moving in too, to make their small amount of free-time that much more exciting, Felix never wanted it to end. He had fun when they all went out together, when Changbin kissed him on the cheek ( _Ohmygod his lips are so soft_ ), while preparing for the three-three-three stages, all of it.

Then came the day Minho was eliminated, and suddenly it wasn't very fun anymore.

Felix sobbed even as he begged Minho not to cry, face swollen and ugly. Somehow it was his fellow dancer who ended up comforting him despite everything, and he shook like a leaf in the wind at the sight of Minho in Chan's arms, talking himself down as though his mistake had been so serious.

_' A simple lyrical error! '_  Felix scrawled angrily onto one of the few remaining pages of the white journal after Minho had taken his things and left. The whole dorm was quiet, and Seungmin had locked himself in the bathroom, leaving the boy by himself.

_' And JYP acts like it was the end of the world! I can't believe it, we need Minho hyung to make this team work. We are a unit of nine. N I N E. He always seems to catch onto dances the quickest and helps everyone. How will I learn Korean now? It's so hard to study by myself! It's easier when hyung is by my side...Aaaah what do I do..._

_It's so hard, I want to cry again._

_Why am I here if Minho hyung isn't?_

_And I'm at risk of being eliminated too...Why did they pick Chris's group if they were just going to rip us apart? I can't understand it. I'm so mad, I'm so upset. I can't even accept this. My God, I can't._

_I think I want to go home. '_

The entry had been written so forcefully that the beautiful ink had bled through the next few pages. Felix did not feel regret, but his heart did feel a little weaker than before.  _Maybe I'm too emotionally tired..._ He thought to himself, frowning slightly at the amount of ink left in the pen before hiding the journal under his mattress and sleeping in his clothes. He did not have the energy to change.

It became even harder when his own elimination reared its ugly head. He had made a single dance mistake during the  _YAYAYA_ choreography during their busking event, but that had not even been the reason behind it. Instead, Felix had been told his Korean was too  _weak_  ( _How long ago did I move here? Who eliminated my Korean tutor?_ ) and his voice mixed too much with the bass ( _Before you told me my voice was a unique strong point and now it's a weak one?_ ) and because of that, he had to go. His face screwed up in misery and the tears began to fall as he faced the mirror. He patted at his eyes as Jisung crossed the room to hug him, and the smile was bitter as he hugged back tightly. Felix felt a pull to find his red pen, to write on any surface he could find  _immediately_  because if he didn't he would just  _die_  right then and there.

But he could not, because they were still filming and so instead he cried, his heart shattering into a fine dust as he apologized. Felix had done wrong, and he struggled to nod at Chan's words, "Always find me, yeah? I'm not gonna leave you behind. Yeah?"

Even as his whole world broke, Felix's eyes caught Changbin crouching on the floor, crying as quietly as he could, and whatever dust had become of his heart blew away in the wind. What had started as a puppy crush had evolved, sincerely so, into something much different. Where before their touches had been platonic, innocent, playful, to Felix they had taken on an air of romance, affection, and potential. He kneeled down by the older and pulled him into a hug, crying louder as the scent of leather and beaches flooded his senses. He could hardly make sense of Changbin's apologies.

"Why does hyung have to be sorry?" Felix asked, and that aching to find his pen returned with an even stronger feeling.

He wished to uncap that pen and write his heart all over Changbin's skin.

Anything to make the older's thin fingertips stop pressing so tightly into his shoulder, because that spoke of agony and sadness and Felix wanted him to feel none of those things. If he could pour his heart out with that red ink that was slightly too bright and sparkles that were nearer to the pink side all over Changbin's body, until there was no space left and the older could only see his sincerity, would he stop crying so painfully? Would that stop him from apologizing? Or would knowing the younger's love for him only make it worse, make him hate Felix for having those kinds of feelings for him? If that, too, would stop Changbin from sobbing the way he was, Felix thought that perhaps being hated by the boy he loved would be worth it.

His own feelings did not matter in the equation.

Felix was separated from the others, and watched as his band went from eight to seven. He had lived in that dorm since he moved to Korea, yet the staff forced him to move into another one. It was painful and awkward and he parted without so much as a goodbye. Felix did not think he could handle looking at Changbin's face or hearing Chan's tone or feeling another one of Jisung's hugs. As soon as he had been pointed to his new bed, the Australian hid under the covers and with only the light of his phone wrote in his journal. This time the ink did not bleed through to other pages- Rather, it was so light that Felix could hardly read it.

_' I was eliminated._

_I don't get to be with my friends who are like family anymore. I am just like Minho, but worse. They made me leave my home._

_Really, I feel so weak I could die...I'm so sorry. So sorry for failing them, all of them. Even more, I'm sorry to Changbin hyung who always helped me from the time I was just a normal trainee. He always helped me so much, especially with Korean culture and my pronunciation but I failed him anyway. But he still apologized to me? I definitely can't understand it. I'm the one who isn't good enough. Changbinnie hyung has nothing to be sorry for._

_Changbin is as close to perfect as anyone can get. He acts dark but he's really soft and kind and plays well with others. He's even kind of shy, in a way. Hyung is really talented in rapping and he's a fantastic teacher. I learned so much from him. He always praised first and then criticized later. Hyung is really beautiful, inside and out. I love that about him. He is warm to me, and lets me be near him even if I'm overwhelming and too much. I love that about him._

_I love Changbin hyung very much._

_I want to pour my heart out to him._

_But I'll keep it a secret. Those touches don't mean the same thing to him as they do me._

_I don't get to see him anymore, anyway. I'll cheer on Stray Kids from the background. '_

Felix slipped back into a normal trainee schedule, working harder than ever at his Korean. There were a few times where he ran into Minho (They shared a tearful and understanding hug, promising to go out together soon) but more often than not, Felix felt alone. He could feel his heart crying out for his friends, for Changbin, but it was impossible and that only made him want to work harder. Within days of his elimination, he finally found that fuzzy white journal filled. There was no more space to write, but the pen, thankfully, still had ink. Felix grasped the pen between his palms and bowed his head, muttering a soft prayer of thanks before standing up and grabbing his wallet. He had to buy a new journal, after all.

Upon reaching the store- Hopefully as disguised as he would need to be- Felix began browsing the aisles, looking for the perfect notebook to replace his filled one. Never had be imagined that he would reach the end of it, but a small laugh puffed from his lips as he thought of just _how often_ he used it. And it had only ever been touched by his red pen's ink. Felix's eyes searched the rows, notebook after notebook failing to catch his interest. Many were much too bright, others quite ugly, and even more just _uninspiring_. None called out to him, and he tapped on his thigh. He knew that no notebook would match with the Snoopy-printed pen, but he at least wanted one that would bring him the strength he needed.

The store was cold and he shivered lightly, eyeing the vent above him as goosebumps raised on his arms. The area around him was fairly quiet, as was the _"Ah!"_ that escaped his lips when the dancer finally spotted a journal he liked. The cover was hard, a dark black that contrasted terribly with the red cap of his pen. The two clashed, especially when one considered the cute animated cup of coffee smacked into the middle of the cover. It was cream and beige, with a black smiley face and steam rising up from it. He reached out for it, considering the weight of it in his hand as he turned it around. Felix dragged his palm against the sewn coffee cup, feeling the thread as it raised from the textured black cover.

"Oh, it reminds me of..." Felix felt his voice trail off as he tilted his head, thinking. Just what _did_ it remind him of? He sucked on the inside of his cheek before the answer hit him with surprising force. He smiled, "Ah, Changbin hyung."

It reminded him of Changbin indeed. A hard and dark exterior that gave the impression of coolness and mystery, but a soft and cute being that was protected by that darkness. He swallowed as he flipped through the empty pages. The lines that guided the writing were a gold color on the front but black on the back, and that added to the charm of the journal. Felix nodded thoughtfully before placing it back where he had found it, clearing his throat as he turned around to continue browsing.

In the time he spent, the Australian found a number of notebooks he liked. From the fake-leather blue one to the red and black Victorian-style one. Even the ladybug one was adorable, but time and time again he found himself drawn to the black one with the animated coffee cup.

"I can't escape Changbinnie hyung even now, right?" Felix laughed as he picked it back up, bringing it to the counter to pay. He slipped it into his messenger bag and returned to his new dorm. Weeks later found him sending a text to Minho.

_To: Minho hyung \^^/_  
From: Lee Felix (Secondary Australian)  
Hyung, do you want that meal now?  
  
To: Lee Felix (Secondary Australian)  
From: Minho hyung \^^/  
Sure! I think we need to talk. ^^

The former teammates met at a Chinese restaurant, one they had gone to a number of times before, and sat in their usual corner. Only, this time it was just the two of them. A bittersweet smile tugged at his lips but once he met Minho's eyes, it brightened considerably and he sipped on his water. On the table, his new journal sat and he tapped his pen absentmindedly on the cover.

"How have you been, Felix? We didn't really get to talk last time," He said almost apologetically, but Felix waved his hand. His eyes were stuck on the dark bags underneath the elder's eyes.

"Don't worry about it. I'm, uh, okay. I've been better..." Felix admitted, stirring his straw with his free hand, "I had to move out of the dorm but that's where I always stayed, so it kind of felt like getting kicked out of my home. But I'm working really hard!"

"I'm sure you are!" Minho reached across the table and fluffed his hair a bit, causing the Australian to whine a bit as he attempted to smooth it down. His fellow dancer laughed but quickly his expression turned more serious and Felix swallowed, looking at anywhere but him. From his peripheral vision he could see Minho's stiff posture and fists that clenched on the tabletop. Still, his voice was gentle when he spoke next, after a long pause where the friends allowed the din of the restaurant to fill the space between them, "Hey, listen Felix. Just... _Keep_ working hard, okay? You can't stop. Don't give up. Keep dieting. Keep practicing your Korean. Keep improving your dancing and rapping, and singing too. Take any advice the teachers give you and even ask for more. Look at the other trainees and learn from them, too- They're the ones you're competing with, you know?"

"It's not a competition," Felix denied, but Minho shook his head.

"Just trust hyung, okay? I know that you've always worked harder than the rest of us, but push even just a little harder if that's what it takes. If they wanted to, the company could even add other trainees to Stray Kids- See how two thirds of the dance line is gone? Hyunjin and Chan are the only really good dancers left, so if JYP wants to he can add new trainees in our places," His voice was strangely unemotional but it struck a chord deep within Felix and he felt his hands tremble. Minho covered them with his own, "I'm not trying to scare you or say that it will happen, but I hear whispers and I get worried...The fans have said "nine or none" for a long time, so JYP can give them nine without us. I want us to either debut with them or have them debut as seven. Nothing else. Don't you agree?"

"We can't debut with them, we were eliminated..." He reminded in a weak voice. Minho smiled, but there was a strange quality to it.

"Like I said, I hear whispers. Seven or none or nine with us, right Felix?" Felix nodded, staring at the water droplets as they slid down his plastic cup, "You're Catholic, right?"

"Uh, yeah," But there was a small voice that whispered in his head, asking if he really could be when he loved a man. When he sinned like that.

"Then just pray for the best outcomes. Do that for me, and keep working. Promise?" Minho's voice had become a little desperate, a little teary and it brought a wet warmth to Felix's own eyes as he repeated the promise. From there on, the meal was pleasant- Simple, as Minho had said to stay within the diet restrictions they had been given at the start of the show, but full with laughter and smiles and old jokes. Felix almost felt light for the first time since Minho had been eliminated, and he did not regret going out to meet with him.

He poured all of his feelings out with that red pen on his black-and-coffee journal later that night.

 

part v.

Minho had been right- They were given the chance to debut with Stray Kids, and they had _done_ it. The unexplainable pure _joy_ inside of him at the announcement was beautiful, and he had never been happier as he laughed in shock as he looked at the older before stepping off the platform to join his yet-again teammates. Long after the cameras had stopped rolling and they'd thanked the staff, Felix found himself with his arms wrapped around Changbin's neck, refusing to leave his side. The rapper acted irritated, but Felix could feel in the way his arms encircled his waist that his dear friend was just as happy at their return as he was. He breathed in that scent of leather and beach in the way he never thought he would be able to again, and it almost brought tears into his eyes.

Later that night, back in the dorm, his _home_ , Seungmin asked him as they laid down to sleep, "Why are you always hanging onto Changbin hyung?"

"Why are you always bothering Jeonginnie?" Felix had countered with a raised brow. The younger had fallen silent for a few moments before laughing with a sunshine-y smile. The sight of it released the panicked pressure in the dancer's chest.

"I guess you're right~" He laughed as he turned out the lights for them to sleep. Seungmin made his way back to his bed, but stopped by the side as he look at Felix, "Hey, I just...I'm really glad you're back, alright? It was, it was empty without you and Minho hyung."

"I know," Felix responded with a soft smile, "I'm sorry. I'm glad we're back too."

Falling back into the pattern of training with the team was harder than expected, because suddenly they were no longer considered just _trainees_ \- Instead, they had been labeled trainees working towards their official debut. They were going to rerecord all of the songs from the show as nine and release them in a predebut Mixtape. Their lives became terribly busy and they were even told they were going to film a short reality show to help promote. They would perform on a music show and go through entire photoshoots and it was exhilarating and hardly even real but it was _exhausting_ at the same time. In the very small amount of time Felix could find, he would pull out his black-and-coffee notebook and scratch down whatever came to mind.

More and more they became notes about things that happened in the day, ways he wanted to improve, and more Korean practice. Always Korean practice.

It was Hyunjin, who first noticed the change in journal one day as they returned from a convenience store run. As the older paid for the food, he glanced at Felix who was scrawling down a note about a new snack he wanted to try later. The visual's eyes widened a bit at the change in notebook, and he tilted his head curiously as he poked his fellow dancer.

"When did you switch journals?" He asked, confused.

"Oh, I ran out of pages back after I was, um, eliminated. There was no more space so I went and bought a new one~" Felix grinned as they exited the store.

"But you still have the pen though, huh?" Hyunjin laughed.

"Always the pen!"

The next was Changbin, but the conversation had gone much differently. The two were laying side-by-side on Felix's bed, the others messing around in their new living room and kitchen. Felix had been suffering from a headache and had retreated to where it was more quiet, and Changbin had followed him without even speaking. It brought a warm feeling to Felix's heart and he'd smiled so cutely at the elder than Changbin had thrown a pillow at his face to _"shut him up,"_ even though the Australian argued he hadn't even made a noise. Then they had taken their spaces on Felix's bed, Changbin working on some lyrics just for fun while Felix pulled out his sparkly red pen and new journal.

It had taken quite a bit before the rapper had noticed, but Felix was completely wrapped up in his own world as he constructed a tale about the soul of an annual flower watching the lives of the people who lived in the house of the yard they grew in. He hadn't the slightest idea where it had come from, but occasionally he had such ideas and allowed them to flow from his red pen, the ink speaking the words his heart wanted to pour onto the page. Felix loved those pages in his journals the best, and he had been so focused in writing down the flower's feelings that he had not noticed when Changbin's gaze lingered on him.

"What happened to your white journal? The one that matches the pen?" He asked, tapping the writing instrument with the tip of his finger.

"Huh? Ah, it got all filled up," Felix replied, not really an active member of their conversation. His mind was still on the words he was penning, and his wrist flicked as he wrote.

"Where is it?"

"In that top drawer over there," He had assumed the conversation would end, and there had been a lengthy time of silence that followed. However, the elder spoke up again, this time his voice more hesitant.

"Do you mind if I read it?" Changbin asked, sitting up slightly.

"Nah, go for it, there's nothing important in there. The start is all from when I was a kid anyway," Felix waved his hand distractedly, "Shh, hyung, I'm writing."

Changbin stood, walking over to the indicated drawer, and hummed as he found the fuzzy white Snoopy journal. After all of the use, the white had become slightly dirty and grey, and bits of the fuzz had been ripped off, showing cardboard underneath. The edges were well-worn but Changbin handled it with care as he returned to his spot next to Felix, pressing their feet that were bent in the air together. The younger's cheeks flushed but he did not comment, simply continuing his tale, hoping his headache would continue to fade as he savored the feeling of skin contact.

It was weeks later, after Mixtape promotions had ended, that Felix realized his mistake. The Australian had said that there was nothing interesting in that journal, and he had no use for it anyway- It would simply collect dust in that drawer. Instead, he had that black-and-coffee journal that reminded him of Changbin. But he had forgotten everything that was written in that old, precious item. Sure, there were grocery lists and encouragement to himself, complaints about his sisters and the Korean alphabet written over and over, but there was more than that. There were pages that detailed his crushes on both males and females, ones that spoke of his sexuality, his fears and the things that made him struggle sprinkled in there. And it did not stop there. There was the page that expressed his hurt over Minho's elimination.

There was the page he had written on the night of his own elimination.

The one where he had confessed his love to Changbin, the very man who had been reading through each and every page with careful eyes over the past few weeks. There had been times where Felix had noticed the rapper's gaze linger on him after reading a certain note or entry, and he had shamefully wondered what embarrassing drawing or complaint he had left in that journal. He had been very nearly asleep as he thought about the journal he had allowed Changbin to read, mind going back to the day he left for South Korea- Specifically, his place ride. How, when he opened that notebook for the first time in years, he had read his entry on his crush on his male fourth grade teacher. The drowsiness that clung to him like a heavy blanket had been torn off violently, and Felix had sat up straight like a bolt, eyes widening as that entry brought his confession to Changbin in that journal to his mind. The place where he had poured the contents of his heart. A panic squeezed his chest as he threw his covers off, running to Changbin's room.

He stopped in the doorway as he spotted Changbin close the journal's final page, a contemplative look on his face. The older looked up, seeing Felix's wild expression quickly melt and contort into something miserable. _He already saw. He already knows._ The dancer's throat closed up on him as he choked on his own tears, which already were running down hot cheeks. He gasped, shaking his head as he threw himself at the foot of Changbin's bed.

" _I'm sorry don't hate me I'm sorry-_ " He was nearly shouting the words, drawing the attention of the other members who crowded in the doorway. Felix ignored them in favor of repeating the phrases over and over, punctured by sobs. His face was buried in his hands, and he missed the way Chan kept the others from entering and the pained, conflicted look Changbin exchanged with him when the leader searched his eyes for answers.

"Can you guys, uh, give us some time for a bit?" Changbin rubbed the back of his head, stepping off of the bed. He reached for Felix, who flinched back, this time a _please don't hurt me_ pouring from his lips. The rapper's breath left his chest and he shook his head, lips pressed into a thin line. Once again, his hands went for the younger but he gripped his upper arms, firm yet not harsh as he helped him up, "No, Felix, I wouldn't ever hurt you, how could you think that? I'm just taking you to the bathroom, you look like a mess, dummy."

Chan felt his heart breaking at the sound of his member's cries, but he understood that whatever had happened, it required a heavy talk with Changbin and Changbin only. As such, he and Woojin crowded the other worried members away and back to the living room, soothingly patting Seungmin's and Jeongin's shoulders as the bathroom door shut and locked behind Felix and Changbin.

Inside the bathroom, Changbin allowed him to sink back to the floor. Instead of speaking, he simply cried, pressing the heels of his palms so hard against his eyes that it hurt. _How could you be so stupid? How did you forget that?_ He berated himself. Once upon a time, Felix had wanted to pour the sparkly red ink of his pen, his _heart_ all over Changbin so the other would stop crying, even if it meant the other boy would know. Now that he actually did, Felix wanted nothing more than to take it back. To have never written such damning words. He had wanted to at least stay at Changbin's friend, but like the disgusting person he was, he had ruined it.

He felt Changbin's rough hands wrap around his wrists, gently tugging them away from his eyes, "Stop, you're hurting yourself, 'Lix."

"I'm sorry-"

"Don't be. Let's just talk for a bit, okay? But calm down first, you're going to pass out if you don't breathe properly," It was strange how concerned the rapper still sounded. Felix was impressed by his acting skills. But he could not deny how the elder's touch soothed him so, making him feel comforted and even safe, even though he was the danger. Changbin began to go through timed breathing exercises, urging the dancer to follow suit. It surely took too much time and left Felix jittery and anxious, but his heart-wrenching sobs downgraded to hiccups and he refused to look Changbin in the eye. The elder did not seem to expect him to, but did not move from the place he kneeled in front of Felix, "Okay, 'Lix, can we talk it out now?"

"I'm sorry for writing that about you. You must have felt disgusting reading it," His whole body shivered at the thought, and Felix's voice began to choke with tears again. He bit his lip and willed it away, "I forgot. I forgot I wrote it. I'm sorry."

"I told you Felix, you don't have to be sorry. There's nothing to be sorry about. Why would I feel disgusting?" Changbin seemed to hesitate for a brief moment, his own face brightening in color before he spoke again, "I, uh, was actually really flattered. It was...Nice, to know someone felt like that about me."

His swollen eyes flicked to the older, noticing the way his teeth caught his bottom lip. Felix wanted to badly to reach out and gently tug the poor flesh away from the unforgiving bite, but instead he clenched his fists and lowered his gaze again. He shook his head, sighing shakily, "Don't lie hyung. We're both boys, it's wrong, I get it. That's why I never told any of you, and I'm sorry if that makes things uncomfortable now. I, I like girls too so I promise to stop thinking about you like that because it can't be comfortable no matter what you say and-"

"Enough rambling, kid," He interrupted, but not unkindly. A slightly shaking hand came to rest on his knee, "It's not wrong, and I don't want you to think that. Do you understand me, 'Lix? Never think that about yourself and your sexuality. You like who you like, you're attracted to who you're attracted to, you love who you love. That's all okay, and anyone who says otherwise is wrong. Don't beat yourself up over something you can't control. And, besides...I like you, too."

"Um...What?"

"I like you too, Felix. And I want to date you, to be your boyfriend," Changbin's fingers laid softly on his cheek and his dark eyes looked seriously into Felix's red-rimmed ones. A sad smile tugged at the older's lips, "But as things are, I don't think it's good for us to be together right now. I wanted to tell you a lot, but you...You aren't ready. All that self-doubt? You need to be able to break free from it."

"Hyung..." Felix felt a mix of bright hope and crushing disappointment push against his ribs, and he could feel the sobbing start to build up again. Changbin, however, gave him a light smile.

"Let's work on that self-confidence of yours and then we'll come back to it, alright?"

 

part vi.

The process was awkward and uncomfortable. Getting used to Changbin knowing his sexuality _and_ feelings for him, getting used to knowing that Changbin liked him back, and getting used to the thought that perhaps his sexuality wasn't anything to be ashamed of. Australia was less conservative than South Korea, but growing up in a Catholic household, Felix had never felt particularly free to share that information. It was new to have a confidant, and even newer when that confidant supported him and gave him advice. Changbin had even given him the courage to come out to the other members, which had been a late night full of tears and smiles and worries and relief all wrapped up into one.

Suddenly Felix had a whole support system to help build him up, and his previous lack of self-confidence, while not gone completely, had certainly grown significantly. The dancer was much more comfortable in his own skin, and he no longer felt as restrained. Apparently it even showed in his performances, which he was beyond grateful for. With a much lighter heart than before, he wrote in his sparkly red ink and smiled and laughed. One day Changbin asked him on a date, and Felix happily accepted (Their date had just been sneaking to the JYP roof and looking at the cobwebs and dead plants it had to offer, but it had been more than enough and it would remain one of his favorite memories forever). His days had become filled with soft kisses pressed behind his ears, Changbin's arms wrapped around him and his scent nearly drowning him. Felix would giggle at the other member's over-exaggerated reactions to their affections and snuggle further into Changbin's lap.

Mixtape had been released and promotions successful, and quickly they had begun to work on their debut minialbum. There was no time for rest but Felix did not mind. He was with his friends- His second family, and his boyfriend, and he always had his pen with him. He made a habit of writing little notes to the members on scraps of paper while they worked, secretly sliding them into their pockets or their notebooks, or sometimes just plain shoving them in their hands. They always spoke words of encouragement or thank yous, and he enjoyed making the others laugh or smile with them.

The ones to Changbin always seemed to include "I love you."

As it was, the pen slowly, slowly began to run out of ink. It was a sad feeling, and each time he used it Felix felt like a part of him was fading away. Once the ink was gone, he would no longer be able to use the pen he had become to attached to. _Though I really think it's the ink I like,_ he thought to himself as he squinted, attempting to figure out just how much was left. He was sitting at a table in a practice room alone, having been studying Korean when the thought to write a thank-you letter to the whole team came to mind. Felix simply felt the urge, so he had pulled out his black-and-coffee ( _Changbin_ ) notebook and shook the pen, hoping there would be enough to write the whole thing.

He sighed, muttering a quick prayer and setting to work.

_' Hi everyone! It's Felix~ Are you doing well? Have you eaten today? (I know Hyunjinnie and Seungminnie probably did.)_

_I just wanted to write to ~~thenck~~ (Sorry!!) thank you all for what you do for me. The hyungs treat me well and Seungmin and Jeongin always are fun to be with. Everyone had taken care of me since I came to Korea, even if I'm still not perfect at Korean._

_You never lost faith in me and we got to be together again after a long time._

_There were moments I was afraid you would hate me for who I was, but Changbin hyung helped convince me otherwise and everyone showed me, too. I can't explain how much I appreciate it. Thanks you to all I can be more ~~conffidant~~ (Sorry again. TT) confident and continue to improve myself for Stray Kids! You are all working so hard for our debut (Especially the 3RACHA hyungs) and I know that it will be great._

_Because of that I will never give up and always keep going! '_

"Felix," Woojin called from the doorway, and he looked up, moving his hand to cover the writing. The elder raised a brow but didn't comment, instead jerking his head behind him, "Jisung and I are leaving. Are you coming?"

"Actually, hyung, there's something I want to finish up here so I'll meet you all at the dorms later. Is that alright?" He pulled out his cute pout and Woojin laughed, walking in just enough to ruffle his hair before stepping back.

"Of course. See you at the dorm."

The eldest member left, and Felix immediately went back to writing.

_' Woojin hyung just came to ask me if I was ready to go back with him and Jisung. See, it's things like that! You guys make me feel loved and cared for, and I hope that you know I'm always here if you need to talk._

_I had so much fun filming the show together and was so glad when Minho hyung and I returned. We could feel your sincerity when we got to perform together. Isn't it amazing to be able to work together like that? Stray Kids is best as nine, and like the fans say, nine or none!_

_Ah, the truth is it's getting late. I know I sent the others ahead but I still need to practice my Korean more after writing this so I'll end it here._

_Thank you again and I love you guys! Let's make this debut great! '_

As he wrote the last few words, Felix felt his heart stutter at the sight of the running-out ink. It hardly had enough to finish those few words, but he glared at the paper challengingly as he pushed the pen harshly into it. No sparkly red ink came from the Snoopy printed pen and he growled a bit, shaking it violently. Painstakingly, Felix signed his name, the very last of the ink being used as he finished writing

_' Lee Felix~ '_

Felix fell to the side, breath no longer leaving his lips as the pen tumbled to the ground.

By the time he was found, his body had long since gone cold.

 

part vii.

There were rumors, legends of a boy who could not live without a red pen. Supposedly, his life force was tied to the bright red ink that the pen wrote with. If the ink ran out, so did his time on the Earth. However, the boy was unaware of the strong bond and used the pen wherever he went, marveling at the beauty of the ink. He had no idea it was the beauty of his own soul and heart. Day after day, he admired the ink, using it up until there was none left. Until he died.

Those closest to him would say that the sparkly red ink suited him perfectly.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I killed Felix sorry.


End file.
